Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


First the dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...
Dido must be s h i t ting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you
murmur to yourself: "S h i t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap


I saw that show, '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork...

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs. Why don't you go join the
circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

- Steven Alan Green at C34


Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance


I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation, but I'm not very
good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand


If a police dog is chasing you, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a
little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.



Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that
it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.