Dear Girls,

For too long we men have been divided and
conquered in the name of
equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins.
No more! The man fights
back!!
Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead....
Long live the Man of the New Millennium.
Listen up ladies; this is how it REALLY is...

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't
ask us. We refuse to
answer. Just get your arse down a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up,
just put the bloody thing
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us bitching about
you leaving it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes
unnecessary arguments when we
dare to comment on it. Long hair is always more
attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys' fear getting
married is that married
women always cut their hair.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are
not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present... again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live
with it.

6. Saturday = Sport. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

7. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it
that way.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!

9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints
do not work! Just say
it!

10. Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult
than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes,
so what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of
thirty, would look good
with that particular dress?

12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly
acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor.

14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of
car maintenance.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it
was the first two
months we were going out.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is
inadmissible in a subsequent
argument. In fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.

18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat.
It's all that bloody
chocolate you eat!!

19. Telling us that the models in the men's
magazines are airbrushed
makes you sound jealous and petty and it's
certainly not going to deter
us from reading them.

20. The male models with great bodies you see in
magazines are all gay.

21. If something we said could be interpreted two
ways, and one of these
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other
one.

22. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway;
it's genetic. If we don't
look at other women, how can we rate how pretty
you are?

23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you
have to say during the
commercial breaks.

24. When we are in bed and look tired this means
that we are tired and
definitely does not mean that we want to discuss
the relationship.

25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have
some. You don't HAVE to
finish it. You can just taste it if you like but
don't say
"No,couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then
eat half of mine.

26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals
should be rabbit food
as well.

28. A man's four essential food groups are: white
meat, red meat, warm
beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals
contain a good balance of
the above in acceptable quantities - everything
else falls under the
category "garnish" .

29. Do not question our sense of direction. If
you can learn the above,
then man and woman can co-exist on a level based
on love and mutual
respect. Christopher Columbus did not need
directions, and neither do
we.

30. Crying is emotional blackmail.

31. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

32. Come to us with a problem only if you want
help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.

33. You can either ask us to do something or tell
us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to
do it, just do it
yourself.

34. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows
default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We
have no idea what
mauve is.

35. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do
that. it's genetic.

36. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little
we care about you.

37. If we ask what is wrong and you say
"nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the
hassle.

38. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

39. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
you are prepared to
discuss such topics as computers, football, fluff
in your navel, Zen
and the art of picking your nose, the shotgun
formation or monster
trucks.

40. You have enough clothes, and too many shoes.
Yes, you did hear
right. Too many shoes.

41. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are
for you.

42. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

The ball's in your court.