skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it

up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it

must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between

your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

************************************************************************

One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness

freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You

know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This

was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied

with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on

the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid

of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and

grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in

ear,

"You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the

gardener, the pool man and your brother."

************************************************************************

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic

condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he

announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she

blurts,

"What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he

replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear

tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man

proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be

nice if you came second for a change!".

************************************************************************

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his

seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye,

too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black

eyes; mind

if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just

happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the

ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts

in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to

Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to

Tittsburgh'...........

So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is

unbelievable.

Mine was a tongue twister

too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to

my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I

accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

*********************************************************************

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves

in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,

they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,

the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over

and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was

wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The

man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better

idea.....let's pretend we are married." "Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

************************************************************************

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking

around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

************************************************************************

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone

rang.

It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on

the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please

be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's

f***ing hundreds of them!".